Posting this here too.. Sorry to anyone I have hurt... :'[posted Oct 7th 2009, 8:34PM
Mood:
Hey guys and gals!
So uhhh... how is everyone doing? Its been a while, lol. It seems like I never talk to anyone online anymore. Well, maybe anyone in general... I kinda realized that this afternoon when I was on facebook, and it really made me sad. What the hell happened to the persom I used to be?
I guess it all started when dad died a year ago. I joined Eddsworld around that time, and found a few friends who helped ease the pain a bit. I also met Fakru, who also was a big help. Everything was great. Not quite back to normal, but I had at least found a way to cope with my emotions, Me and Fakru even started dating.
I kept it a secret from my mom, who had just got remarried and had moved away, for quite a while. Finally i told her, and was suprised to find out that she was really supportive. It didn't even matter to her that he was Muslim and that he lived in India. All that mattered was that I was happy. With that peice of hope, I was somehow able to survive Thanksgiving, my first major holiday since dad died and mom moved away, and even Christmas went by alright. But as time went on, I was finding myself slipping into depression.
Then something big happened. The Monday after Valentine's Day I recieved a message from Fakru that shocked me, followed closely by a phone call that almost made me cry. He asked me to marry him! I was so excited! We decided to wait until we could talk to my family together before we told them, so once again I had a secret to keep. At least this time I kind of knew what to expect from my mother.
A few weeks later was my 21st birthday, and I knew I had to face reality. the next day, at 2 am, Fakru was leaving for Mecca so he could go on a religious pilgramige, and then he was going to go to Dubhai to visit his sister for a month or two. He would not have accese to a phone or a computer the entire time. I was so scared about being apart for so long, but at least I had had a couple of months to prepare for it. But as it got closer and closer to the time he had to leave, i started to get these aweful premonitions about what might happen, and I slowly got more depressed. The day finally came when we had to say our goodbyes. It was hard for me, and i remeber crying, beging him to call me as soon as he landed so I knew he was ok. I had a bad feeling about all of it, but I decided I was just being silly, so I shrugged it off.
As I look back on that day now, I knew I shouldn't have ignored what I was feeling. Two months past... Three months... Then four... The entire time I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. i don't really know when i stopped talking to everyone. I know it was March when I quite going on Eddsworld adn Myyearbook. sometime in May or June when I stopped checking Myspace and any of my messengers... i just didn't have the energy anymore. It took all I had to keep up my little cherade in front of those I was close too, let alone everyone else.
So here I am, 71/2 months since he left, and a little over a year since my father passed away. I don't quite know when I gave up waiting on fakru's calls or emails, but somehow it happened. I even somehow found a way to think about my father without falling apart. Things were starting to come easier for me. It has been a long, hard year.
I kknow this all is really no excuse to alienate all my friends, but at least now you all know SOME of the reason I've igonred ya'll. i miss everyone, and I hope that I didn't hurt anyone. If I did, I'm so VERy sorry... I'm a stupid bitch, and I realize that. Please forgive me...
Well, I guess that's all i have to say. Once again, I"M SORRY! Every one of you mean so much to me. If I have hurt you in any way, please leave me know so I can try to make it right. I just hope that what we all had can be salvaged.
My names Johanna, and I'm about ten shades of crazy! I love to draw, and I write both poetry and short stories... I love wrestling, and am a big Hardy Boya and Degeneration-X fan. Ya'll want to know anything else, just ask...
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